“Love is Suicide”

Billy Corgan said that on the second track of the second disc of Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness. The song was called Bodies. “Nobody’s felt like you, nobody’s,” he wailed, as only Billy Corgan could. I don’t know if he had much of a point, honestly. We are talking about Billy Corgan here, but I always took it mean that with each love, we lose a little part of ourselves. It’s self destructive. The highs and lows of a relationship take a toll.

There have been two great loves in my life. The first I met in High School. I pined for her the last semester of senior year, found out she was going to prom with some guy she was dating, got depressed for possibly the first time ever, but ended up flirting with her at prom anyways, as our dates looked on jealous.

It fizzled out entirely the older we got, but went on for a long time in fits and starts throughout my 20s. I loved her. I will always love her. Anyways, she’s married now, lives a million miles away, and probably has kids. We didn’t work out, but I never had any bad feelings about it.

The second love of my life just ended.

This situation was completely different. I met her online. Online dating has a lot of valid criticisms, but as she and I talked about often, it’s doubtful our paths would have ever crossed otherwise. She was in med school and I’m always in a dark room somewhere behind a computer. But anyways, we met online and dated briefly. Then she disappeared.

That was in March of 2016. In April of 2017 she came back into my life. She cited that she wasn’t in the best of places mentally and made a mistake. She wanted to try us again.

I didn’t really have any qualms about that, only she did it again. The kids call this ghosting. I’m about 5 or 10 years too old to call it that. I call it being a coward.

Not to overly philosophize about this, but if someone likes you and you don’t feel the same way, the only correct thing to do is tell them about it openly. Understand their feelings, try to be nice, and let them down gently. There’s no rule saying you have to love anyone. What you don’t do is run away. That’s called being a coward: not dealing with something that you know you should.

This girl is a fucking coward.

But it’s okay! After the second time she disappeared, I got angry. I really didn’t think there was any way that she would come back or we’d be together. But I was wrong. On her birthday earlier this year, she did just that. She didn’t make excuses or some elaborate story. She fessed up.

I had many feelings about this, as you might imagine. I loved her. But what a cheating bitch right? We talked about it endlessly. Eventually I laid down some ground rules and we agreed to, one last time, give this a shot.

We were happy for a while. I thought she loved me.

But let’s just say she broke all the rules.

I was painting this for her. For Christmas. It’s our astrological signs. I’m a Sagittarius and she’s a Leo. They're walking in flames because they are both fire signs. In the center, there’s the moon because we both have Moon signs in Taurus. The constellations themselves are there as well.

What do I feel?

It’s not heartbreak. I was heartbroken last year. I was heartbroken as soon as she started ghosting again a few weeks ago. But now, through situations I’d rather not comment on, I know the truth. I’m not wondering anymore. I never thought that knowledge would make me feel better about matters of the heart - they seem juxtaposed inherently.

Hm.

I’ll be okay. I’m writing this on December 11th 2017, the night I found out, so by the time I post this on the Solstice, I’m sure there will be a lot of horrific depression and unmitigated rage to be had. I’m okay with this, but it isn’t heartbreak. It’s like a demon possesses my girlfriend from time to time and now it has her for good and she’s gone forever. It’s like mourning the dead. The hardest part is dealing with the lonely void left in her wake.

She said to me often: “I didn’t know guys like you existed.” She meant that I was so much better at so many things than all her exes. I bought her flowers every week, cooked for her, and actually cared about and for her - must’ve been a novel concept. At the end of October she said I had made her more happy than she had been in years. She said “I love you” unprompted. We had just met each other’s parents, it’s my birthday this month, and we had already bought each other Christmas gifts. Yet she leaves me without saying a word... I guess I didn’t know people like her existed either.

Our relationship lasted from the time of Leo until Sagittarius, birthday to birthday.

I used to call her “Paramour” because it sounded like her surname and I just liked the sound of it. A paramour is an illicit lover - someone in another relationship, and while I didn’t mean it like that, I guess it ended up being true. I cannot help but think that a shadow hangs heavy over her soul. It manifests physically in the form of this other guy. She never had anything nice to say about him, yet this is the third and final time she leaves me for him. Perhaps she was lying, to herself and to me, to him, to everyone. Who knows?

I refuse to mope about it this time. If she doesn’t care, I don’t see why I should either. I’m moving on and already have dates lined up. I will never understand her, and I don’t have to. Her madness shouldn’t be my burden. Her darkness shouldn’t infest me. It shouldn’t dim my light.

If you find yourself in darkness be a brighter light.

Anyways. Have you ever really listened to “Hey Ya” by OutKast? It’s actually a really sad song, which is odd because it’s juxtaposed with very upbeat music.

Hm.

I think I’ll wrap up 2017 with an excerpt:

You think you've got it
Oh, you think you've got it
But "got it" just don't get it
'Til there's nothing at all

We've been together
Oh, we've been together
But separate's always better
When there's feelings involved

If what they say is "Nothing is forever"
Then what makes, then what makes, then what makes
Then what makes, what makes, what makes
Love the exception?

Third time’s the charm.

Godspeed everyone. May the force be with you. I’m almost done with my Hiatus Project / Adult Children’s Book. More FLOLAS in 2018. Take care, take care, take care.